I have to believe it was God's intention that I came across an absolute blessing of a blog last week. Through the heaviness of my heart this past month, I have been reading His word and praying constantly. I was searching and pleading for His strength to get me through - all the while acting in blindness and numbness to His loving arms that had already carried me so far. How small my faith was these past few weeks! My pitiful prayers should never have been that of "help me out of this, Lord, bring an end to this sadness," but instead I should have been all the while singing praises to His name and asking "what is Your will in all of this and what would You have me learn?" I feel that same embrassement of a reprimand from a parent to a child when they say "you know better than that". And I do. He knew me (and all of us) before I was born and as it says in Psalm 139, "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Bringing that to light, I can look over my shoulder at the scripture I have tacked up at my desk from Jeremaiah 29:11 and feel it renewed in my heart. " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' "
So even in my deep sadness, last week, the Lord showed Himself to me as the All-Knowing, All-Loving and All-Caring, God of Wonders that He is.
My husband and I were only married 135 days ago, on September 19th, 2009. Two weeks after our honeymoon, I returned to Hawaii and Tom returned to Fort Bragg, North Carolina. While we have visited briefly a few times in the interim, this separation has been almost unbearable. It has been hard on not only the two of us, but on our daughter, Annabella (3 years old) as well. I had Bella in 2006, while I was in a previous, and greatly sinful relationship. Tom has been amazing with her - beyond anything I could ever hope for. He anxiously awaits the day when he can legally adopt her and give her our last name.
Tom and I recieved, as one of our wedding gifts, The Couple's Devotional Bible. Tom, at that time, revealed to me that this was something he was interested in doing together. This thrilled my heart - and yet I was unsure of how we would manage it being 6000 miles apart. Fast forward to last week. Tom and I were on the phone (we spend HOURS on the phone every week) and he expressed that we should get a second copy of the devotional bible so that even over the phone, we could begin to do them together! I praised the Lord for that - and still praise Him - for touching Tom's heart and allowing him to be open and receptive to His word. Tom also purchased a men's daily devotional and a really cute book called "100 Verses Every Dad Needs to Know." God is GOOD! Tom knows my desire (and God's) for him to be the true HOH. I am thrilled to see the beginning of His working in Tom's life, and ours.
Then I happened to be cruising through the blogs that I follow, and noticed a link to CWO (Christian Women Online). So I cruised on that website for a while and noticed - admittedly because of the font first (I used it repeatedly in my wedding), and then because of the title of it second. It is called A Wife's Biblical Submission (I also have the button to the website on the right side of my blog). This is something I've been interested in for quite some time - even before I was married. I know myself as a leader, and one who is headstrong and stubborn. Moreover, I knew the moment that I was engaged to become Tom's wife, that I needed to learn how to change. I cannot attribute finding this blog to chance. It was God's beckoning to me, that as Tom begins his education, I would begin mine too.
There is much that I desire for our marriage. Not to say that it doesn't already consist of a lot, but my desires lie in the biblical sense. I know our marriage is still new, but what an awesome way to grow our relationship, right from the start. Perhaps we have been given this time apart - though it is difficult - to grow in the Lord both individually, and as one, at the same time. I get the imagery of two plants, both growing and reaching toward the sun (the Son :) ) while at the same time, the roots, connected as one entity, grow deeper and stronger into the soil.
I am thrilled to be starting this journey.