Thursday, January 28, 2010


let me begin by apologizing for the unhappy posts of late.  this one won't be much better.  and please, don't think that i walk around each day wallowing in my own misery, because i don't.  i have become a master at the art of putting on a happy face, and there are many genuinly happy moments in each and every day:

 -i love waking up my daughter every morning for school - getting her to smile or laugh before her eyes even open.  rousing her from sleep with an eskimo kiss, a warm nuzzle to her little neck, and wrapping my arms around her warm little body - they are moments i cherish.
 -seeing her eyes absolutely light up when she sees me in the doorway to her classroom at the end of her school day.  as my mom puts it, the one who picks her up from school is her "hero for the day".   she loves school, but she LOVES getting picked up and brought home!  when she sees me, she always drops what she's doing, runs to me, and wraps her little 3-year old arms around my legs and says that one little word that belongs only to her and i, "mommy."
 -getting surprise phone calls from my husband at work.  yesterday, he called my workplace instead of my cell phone.  i answer the phones, but to unexpectedly hear his super-hot bass voice say, "hey sexy" gave me butterflies.  i love that!

as i've stated before, i am miserable being without my husband.  i feel myself slipping back into the depths of depression, but this isn't something i can "fix" with more medication.  in fact, since we want a baby, i am slowly weaning myself off of them.  without my emotions regarding our separation, i have felt like a huge failure lately.  its like i'm one of those
(blank) = FAIL posters... ME = FAIL.  except its not funny.  i don't feel like i'm a good enough wife.  i'm not a good enough mother, or daughter, or sister.  i've gained weight.  i don't exercise.  stopping my birth control has given me acne and i look ridiculous.  i stare at piles of clean laundry that have been begging to be folded and put away for two weeks.  i haven't cleaned my car in 2 months.  everything is disorganized - i feel like i'm simply surviving and constantly playing catch up. 

No comments: