Tuesday, January 19, 2010

funky funky

Looking back over my few and meager posts, I fully admit that I am not a consistent blogger. Never have been, and possible never will be. I've never been the journal keeping type although I wish I were. You have to wonder about the lost memories, the power of reflection, etc etc etc. That said and done, a lot has happened since August.
I was married to the man of my dreams on September 19th, 2009, surrounded by a lot of the people I care for most in the world. We went on a whirlwind two week honeymoon: one week on the beautiful island of Kauai, home for my 10-year high school reunion weekend, and then one week at Fort Bragg, NC where Tom is stationed. After that two weeks, we shared a tearful goodbye and parted ways for 2 long months.
October was spent just trying to get back to "normal". My life had been anything but normal since Tom proposed on New Years Eve, 2008. I came home from my honeymoon to the entire upstairs of my house (where Bella and I live) looking like my wedding had thrown up all over it. I spent the days catching up frantically at work during the day and splitting my evenings between sorting through and organizing things from the wedding, carting Bella to her various activities, maintaining my share of the household, oh - and somewhere in the chaos of the past 9 months I had agreed to help with the church Christmas Program!
November was spent very much the same, only I had Thanksgiving to look forward to. Bella and I travelled to Fort Bragg to spend the holiday with Tom. I met some very cool people there and got to attend a church that was very similar to my home church here which was SO comforting. Getting to be a family in our own home, waking up together, having dinner, food shopping - everything was so nice. I almost couldn't bear to leave. I stocked the freezer with ready-to-eat meals for Tom so that in my absence, he could still have some yummy home-made dinners. Again, we parted tearfully. Each parting has become harder than the next.
December began bleakly. I stopped taking my birth control at the end of November and my hormones were all wacky. I sorely missed my husband and it didn't look like we were going to spend our first Christmas together since flights were pricing out close to $2000. The Christmas Program turned out very well - and as much as I complained (Phillipians 2:14!!!) - I'm glad I was able to assist. We had already booked Tom a flight up to Bangor, Maine, so that he could at least be with family for Christmas, when my mom and dad suprised us and said that they would foot the bill to get him here! He cleared it with his superiors and arrived on the 22nd! My ENTIRE family (except my eldest sister Tessa - stuck in snowstorms) was here in Hawaii for the Christmas holiday, and boy-oh-boy was it crazy! Awesome - but crazy!
It was a long shot, but based on the "natural family planning" method, I thought there might be a chance that we could get pregnant while he was here. My "window of opportunity" happened to fall on the five days that he was here. It was not in God's plans to have us conceive, so alas, we are not yet pregnant.
January has thus far been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I don't know if its the hormones still getting back into their natural levels, the absolute longing I have to be with my husband, the stress of where we will be in the next few months, or the desire to have another child - its probably a combination of all of these - but I cry all the time. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I have no motivation to do anything at all. I'm totally beside myself and nothing makes sense. I really need to just give it up to the Lord. I know intellectually what the word says about these things. I am constantly referencing multiple verses, but until in my heart I put myself fully in His hands, I know I won't feel any relief from these worries.

Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety upon him because he cares for you

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you, he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Matthew 6:25-27, 34 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear, is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; thy do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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