let me begin by apologizing for the unhappy posts of late. this one won't be much better. and please, don't think that i walk around each day wallowing in my own misery, because i don't. i have become a master at the art of putting on a happy face, and there are many genuinly happy moments in each and every day:
-i love waking up my daughter every morning for school - getting her to smile or laugh before her eyes even open. rousing her from sleep with an eskimo kiss, a warm nuzzle to her little neck, and wrapping my arms around her warm little body - they are moments i cherish.
-seeing her eyes absolutely light up when she sees me in the doorway to her classroom at the end of her school day. as my mom puts it, the one who picks her up from school is her "hero for the day". she loves school, but she LOVES getting picked up and brought home! when she sees me, she always drops what she's doing, runs to me, and wraps her little 3-year old arms around my legs and says that one little word that belongs only to her and i, "mommy."
-getting surprise phone calls from my husband at work. yesterday, he called my workplace instead of my cell phone. i answer the phones, but to unexpectedly hear his super-hot bass voice say, "hey sexy" gave me butterflies. i love that!
as i've stated before, i am miserable being without my husband. i feel myself slipping back into the depths of depression, but this isn't something i can "fix" with more medication. in fact, since we want a baby, i am slowly weaning myself off of them. without my emotions regarding our separation, i have felt like a huge failure lately. its like i'm one of those
(blank) = FAIL posters... ME = FAIL. except its not funny. i don't feel like i'm a good enough wife. i'm not a good enough mother, or daughter, or sister. i've gained weight. i don't exercise. stopping my birth control has given me acne and i look ridiculous. i stare at piles of clean laundry that have been begging to be folded and put away for two weeks. i haven't cleaned my car in 2 months. everything is disorganized - i feel like i'm simply surviving and constantly playing catch up.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
leave and cleave
Here in beautiful Hawaii I have a wonderful job. The benefits are amazing, my co-workers are really cool, and the pay is well above-par. I have the blessing of attending and being active in the church I was raised in. I teach the preschool Sunday School on a rotation with a few other women and I sing in the praise team with an awesome group of people. My daughter attends a really great Grace Brethren preschool right around the corner from my workplace. She attends gymnastics twice weekly and participates in the Awana program at a church right around the corner from our own. I have a dog here. A black pomeranian, and her name is Lady. I live with my parents and will be the first to admit that while it can be stressful at times, I am very well taken care of. But I would gladly trade all of this.
To be with Tom, my husband. I am here in beautiful Hawaii with this life, and he is stationed at Fort Bragg in North Carolina. He gets out of the army in March of 2011, a little over a year from now. Before we got married, I thought we could survive with just visiting each other until he got out. On our honeymoon, I quickly determined that being apart would never work. I don't feel whole without him by my side. Something shifted inside me once we were married and I was forced to see that Tom and I should not be apart for any length of time. Ever. Now for you extremists out there, don't think that I mean he and I should be attached at the hip. I mean that we should not be living in separate homes, in separate cities, in separate states, thousands of miles apart. I don't work without him. He doesn't work without me. Together we work.
We will find out sometime either this month or in February if he will be deployed for the third time in his career. He's done one tour each in Iraq and Afghanistan. This would be for Afghanistan again. We have a few options depending on what the army decides. If they do send him down-range, he would leave at the beginning of July. Bella and I would join him for approximately 8 weeks prior to his departure to spend that time as a family. Although, perhaps 12 weeks would be better and I could move out there in April.... The alternative is if the army decides not to deploy him. I would need to decide when we would join Tom in NC. In an ideal scenario, I would leave as soon as Bella was done with her school year at the end of May. That would put me there for a good 10 months. I would have a lot to take care of here in Hawaii before departing for that length of time, but I think in Gods hands, anything can be accomplished. I've been told I'll have a job to return to, and that in itself is an amazing blessing.
I hate hate hate this situation. I loathe it. I don't know why I ever thought we'd be able to handle the first 18 months of our marriage apart. All I DO know is that my instincts are telling me to run to him. Leave and cleave baby, leave and cleave.
To be with Tom, my husband. I am here in beautiful Hawaii with this life, and he is stationed at Fort Bragg in North Carolina. He gets out of the army in March of 2011, a little over a year from now. Before we got married, I thought we could survive with just visiting each other until he got out. On our honeymoon, I quickly determined that being apart would never work. I don't feel whole without him by my side. Something shifted inside me once we were married and I was forced to see that Tom and I should not be apart for any length of time. Ever. Now for you extremists out there, don't think that I mean he and I should be attached at the hip. I mean that we should not be living in separate homes, in separate cities, in separate states, thousands of miles apart. I don't work without him. He doesn't work without me. Together we work.
We will find out sometime either this month or in February if he will be deployed for the third time in his career. He's done one tour each in Iraq and Afghanistan. This would be for Afghanistan again. We have a few options depending on what the army decides. If they do send him down-range, he would leave at the beginning of July. Bella and I would join him for approximately 8 weeks prior to his departure to spend that time as a family. Although, perhaps 12 weeks would be better and I could move out there in April.... The alternative is if the army decides not to deploy him. I would need to decide when we would join Tom in NC. In an ideal scenario, I would leave as soon as Bella was done with her school year at the end of May. That would put me there for a good 10 months. I would have a lot to take care of here in Hawaii before departing for that length of time, but I think in Gods hands, anything can be accomplished. I've been told I'll have a job to return to, and that in itself is an amazing blessing.
I hate hate hate this situation. I loathe it. I don't know why I ever thought we'd be able to handle the first 18 months of our marriage apart. All I DO know is that my instincts are telling me to run to him. Leave and cleave baby, leave and cleave.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
funky funky
Looking back over my few and meager posts, I fully admit that I am not a consistent blogger. Never have been, and possible never will be. I've never been the journal keeping type although I wish I were. You have to wonder about the lost memories, the power of reflection, etc etc etc. That said and done, a lot has happened since August.
I was married to the man of my dreams on September 19th, 2009, surrounded by a lot of the people I care for most in the world. We went on a whirlwind two week honeymoon: one week on the beautiful island of Kauai, home for my 10-year high school reunion weekend, and then one week at Fort Bragg, NC where Tom is stationed. After that two weeks, we shared a tearful goodbye and parted ways for 2 long months.
October was spent just trying to get back to "normal". My life had been anything but normal since Tom proposed on New Years Eve, 2008. I came home from my honeymoon to the entire upstairs of my house (where Bella and I live) looking like my wedding had thrown up all over it. I spent the days catching up frantically at work during the day and splitting my evenings between sorting through and organizing things from the wedding, carting Bella to her various activities, maintaining my share of the household, oh - and somewhere in the chaos of the past 9 months I had agreed to help with the church Christmas Program!
November was spent very much the same, only I had Thanksgiving to look forward to. Bella and I travelled to Fort Bragg to spend the holiday with Tom. I met some very cool people there and got to attend a church that was very similar to my home church here which was SO comforting. Getting to be a family in our own home, waking up together, having dinner, food shopping - everything was so nice. I almost couldn't bear to leave. I stocked the freezer with ready-to-eat meals for Tom so that in my absence, he could still have some yummy home-made dinners. Again, we parted tearfully. Each parting has become harder than the next.
December began bleakly. I stopped taking my birth control at the end of November and my hormones were all wacky. I sorely missed my husband and it didn't look like we were going to spend our first Christmas together since flights were pricing out close to $2000. The Christmas Program turned out very well - and as much as I complained (Phillipians 2:14!!!) - I'm glad I was able to assist. We had already booked Tom a flight up to Bangor, Maine, so that he could at least be with family for Christmas, when my mom and dad suprised us and said that they would foot the bill to get him here! He cleared it with his superiors and arrived on the 22nd! My ENTIRE family (except my eldest sister Tessa - stuck in snowstorms) was here in Hawaii for the Christmas holiday, and boy-oh-boy was it crazy! Awesome - but crazy!
It was a long shot, but based on the "natural family planning" method, I thought there might be a chance that we could get pregnant while he was here. My "window of opportunity" happened to fall on the five days that he was here. It was not in God's plans to have us conceive, so alas, we are not yet pregnant.
January has thus far been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I don't know if its the hormones still getting back into their natural levels, the absolute longing I have to be with my husband, the stress of where we will be in the next few months, or the desire to have another child - its probably a combination of all of these - but I cry all the time. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I have no motivation to do anything at all. I'm totally beside myself and nothing makes sense. I really need to just give it up to the Lord. I know intellectually what the word says about these things. I am constantly referencing multiple verses, but until in my heart I put myself fully in His hands, I know I won't feel any relief from these worries.
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety upon him because he cares for you
Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you, he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Matthew 6:25-27, 34 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear, is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; thy do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I was married to the man of my dreams on September 19th, 2009, surrounded by a lot of the people I care for most in the world. We went on a whirlwind two week honeymoon: one week on the beautiful island of Kauai, home for my 10-year high school reunion weekend, and then one week at Fort Bragg, NC where Tom is stationed. After that two weeks, we shared a tearful goodbye and parted ways for 2 long months.
October was spent just trying to get back to "normal". My life had been anything but normal since Tom proposed on New Years Eve, 2008. I came home from my honeymoon to the entire upstairs of my house (where Bella and I live) looking like my wedding had thrown up all over it. I spent the days catching up frantically at work during the day and splitting my evenings between sorting through and organizing things from the wedding, carting Bella to her various activities, maintaining my share of the household, oh - and somewhere in the chaos of the past 9 months I had agreed to help with the church Christmas Program!
November was spent very much the same, only I had Thanksgiving to look forward to. Bella and I travelled to Fort Bragg to spend the holiday with Tom. I met some very cool people there and got to attend a church that was very similar to my home church here which was SO comforting. Getting to be a family in our own home, waking up together, having dinner, food shopping - everything was so nice. I almost couldn't bear to leave. I stocked the freezer with ready-to-eat meals for Tom so that in my absence, he could still have some yummy home-made dinners. Again, we parted tearfully. Each parting has become harder than the next.
December began bleakly. I stopped taking my birth control at the end of November and my hormones were all wacky. I sorely missed my husband and it didn't look like we were going to spend our first Christmas together since flights were pricing out close to $2000. The Christmas Program turned out very well - and as much as I complained (Phillipians 2:14!!!) - I'm glad I was able to assist. We had already booked Tom a flight up to Bangor, Maine, so that he could at least be with family for Christmas, when my mom and dad suprised us and said that they would foot the bill to get him here! He cleared it with his superiors and arrived on the 22nd! My ENTIRE family (except my eldest sister Tessa - stuck in snowstorms) was here in Hawaii for the Christmas holiday, and boy-oh-boy was it crazy! Awesome - but crazy!
It was a long shot, but based on the "natural family planning" method, I thought there might be a chance that we could get pregnant while he was here. My "window of opportunity" happened to fall on the five days that he was here. It was not in God's plans to have us conceive, so alas, we are not yet pregnant.
January has thus far been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I don't know if its the hormones still getting back into their natural levels, the absolute longing I have to be with my husband, the stress of where we will be in the next few months, or the desire to have another child - its probably a combination of all of these - but I cry all the time. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I have no motivation to do anything at all. I'm totally beside myself and nothing makes sense. I really need to just give it up to the Lord. I know intellectually what the word says about these things. I am constantly referencing multiple verses, but until in my heart I put myself fully in His hands, I know I won't feel any relief from these worries.
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety upon him because he cares for you
Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you, he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Matthew 6:25-27, 34 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear, is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; thy do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
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